2004-12-27 - 1:14 a.m.
Ok, I know, I am really lousy at keeping this diary up to date, but a lot has happened sine my last entry. I am just now getting to the point of being able to think clearly and actually write about everything that has been going since my last entry..
Where do I begin? Let's start with the Gov. A lot happened with him this summer. He and I started out quite well working together. Then, the Fourth of July happened. It started out with us and Lysistrata going to the local gay bar. We played pool, and I was not in the best of spirits. I was feeling like a troll and seriously considering plastic surgery to my body to help rid myself of the stomach I had due to losing, at that point, 75 lbs. We did drink a lot that night, and then we went and got food. After food and coffee, Lys took the Gov. and me back to my house. She left and as the Gov. was getting into his car, I stopped and asked him a question that I had always wondered about. What was it about me that turned him off? I figured since he and I had slept together once, that maybe he could help me figure out what it was that I was doing wrong and that I could take the information and make some improvements to myself. He told me I was a little too queenish for him..
Ok, there is something I can work on. We started talking and he decided to come sit on the terrace and have a smoke. We started talking more and he mentioned us trying mutual masturbation, but that it would probably be a bad idea. I agreed with him. A few minutes later he brought it up again, and once again he said it would probably be a bad idea, and "You agree with me, don't you?” I told him I did. That is when he said "Although I have thought about whipping it out and going at it in front of you while we were watching the porn you have." I told him I had thought the same thing. Then he asked me what I wanted to do about it. I hesitated and we went into the house. We went into the kitchen and talked about it some more. Then he looked at me with that silly grin on his face, the one that says he wants to do something, but can't actually admit to it. He asked me, with that grin on his face, what I wanted to do. I said, "let's go for it." .
We went into my room, and started. I was on my bed, and he was sitting in the chair. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he would turn his head in my direction, and I would wait until he turned back to the TV to watch him. Then he looked at me again and I looked at him and he smiled again. Then things got really interesting. He got up, came over to the bed and said, "I really want to do this" and proceeded to go down on me. I was shocked and took his shirt off and pulling his pants down. He responded by doing the same to me. Then I kissed him. He started going down on me and I stopped him. I asked him if he was doing this out of pity and he said no. Then I asked him "We aren't going to make a mistake here and screw things up between us, are we?" He looked me in the eye, put his hand on my chest, pushed me back down on the bed and said "No...just relax"..
I should have known better. After it was over with, we went outside to have a cigarette and he said that it probably should not have happened. I didn't know what to say. He left and I went to bed..
I went out of town for a week, and when he came back, he came over to the house. We talked and he said he didn't want a relationship with me because: 1-I am older than he is 2-There is a money situation between us 3-There is an imbalance of power 4-I am not someone he sees himself with 5-He did not want to hurt me He also said "I don't want to say it would happen again because that would give you hope, but that I don't want to say it wouldn't happen again because that just sounds cold"..
I thought some of his reasons were bullshit and said that it sounded like he was protesting too much. He denied it and we talked some more. He left. Things after that changed a little bit. I expected them to not be the same. I wasn't expecting things to get so complicated..
I asked him to help me in decorating my den. He has an artistic eye and thought he could help with some input. The input turned out to be him taking over the whole thing. He started rearranging the furniture in the living room and dining room. He decorated my den from top to bottom and was really having a good time doing it. It was the happiest I had seen him in months. Of course, there is the purple trim. While we were painting the den, we used purple painter's tape to mark off the trim. He got the brilliant idea to paint the trim purple. I was hesitant on the idea. I have never seen someone fight so hard for something before. He wanted purple trim in the den, and went so far as to tell me that I was scared of it because I had not fully accepted my homosexuality. I remember thinking "I have had sex with you. How much more proof do you need?!?!" .
I finally gave in because he wanted it so badly he could taste it. He also told me a few times that our friendship was one he highly valued and that the money situation was driving a wedge into it. He also told me he felt like a mooch. I told him that I didn’t think he was a mooch, and that I would do whatever it took to get him through this situation. All he had to do was ask for whatever he needed, be it financial or emotional support. He finally stopped putting on a brave front in front of me and was having several mini-meltdowns over his job search. I calmed him down and told him again I would get him through it. When his grandfather died, he was really upset. When I asked him if there was anything I could do, he had tears in his eyes and said "Please make the rest of this year go better." He also said he realized how lucky he was that he had two great friends to lean on. When I joked and said I wanted to meet these two people, he said it was Lys and me. I thought then and there that I had finally gotten through. We had finally become friends..
That is when things really started getting interesting. People started asking me if we were dating. Sheri made a comment to me one night about how she was "surprised there had not been a pairing between us". I told her what her brother had said to me Fourth of July and other comments he had made as well, like the fact that I am a Virgo. Sheri looked at me with her mouth open and said, "I can't believe he said all that to you!" We talked about it and agreed that the main problems were:.
1- He had not quite gotten over the LOHL yet 2-There was a money situation between us 3-He was afraid of getting his heart broken again..
Sheri told me that night that I was exactly what he needed and that he was resisting the idea, but it would hit him eventually and told me to "just be patient"..
That is when other people started making comments. Gay said he was too into the decorating of my house and that he kept using "we" too much; Ellen said it was because of the way we acted around each other; Anthony said it sounded like the Gov. was planning to move in with me; Vivian said we seemed to have hit it off and how well we complimented each other. Lois said she thought that we should have gotten together months ago..
Anyway, Labor Day comes, and I have an end of summer party. Alcohol was flowing freely, and once again the Gov. and I were left alone drunk, and once again, sex took place. We seem to have a fondness for drinking on holidays, but I digress. It was the beginning of the end. While drunk, I said some things to him I regret saying. I told him that the only thing he seemed to like about me was my checkbook, which really upset him. He said it wasn't true, but I said it again. He said again it wasn't true, and that no matter what he said I would not believe him. He also said that I wanted more from him than he could give me. My response was "How can you say that? I don't even know what it is I want right now, so how can you tell me you can't give me what I want, when I don't even know what is it that I do want. Besides, I deserve better than you." He also told me that I have a nice cock and that the first time he met me he decided he wasn't going to sleep with me, but got drunk and did it anyway. Later, I started joking with him about my birthday, which was coming up the next weekend. I asked him what he was getting me for my birthday, and he said, "I can go down on you again." I wasn't prepared for that response. I was expecting a birthday card, not a blowjob. He then made a comment how he needed to wake up and sober up so he could drive home. I told him that I knew how to do both. I put my hand on his knee. He asked what that was on his knee and I told him my hand. He said "Oh, ok" and my hand moved up his leg. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that he had already unzipped his pants and had it out. When I commented on this, he said he liked to let it breathe. Well, after a few minutes of playing with each other, he went down on me again. We ended up whacking off together and after we were finished, we cleaned up and I asked if we needed to talk about this or could we consider it talked about. He said we didn't have to talk about it, and he left..
Then my birthday party came, and things have not been the same since. I will continue this drama when I am not so tired..
